and so it is...

not wanting to ...
not wanting to ... me

yeah. again.
this ...ing game is
exactly what i don't
need right now

in the red again
pulling myself up
breathe

and so it is
my life
again

hic extraneus sum

iinterviiew

today ii had an iinterviiew wiith a fiinanciial group place. obviiously ii don't have any background iin fiinance, but they saiid that wasn't iimportant... or somethiing.

iit's not my number one choiice for work, to be honest, but as the old saw goes, "beggars can't be choosers". they iinviited me back for a second iinterviiew tomorrow.

that's all for now. try a comment or something. try it.

hic extraneus sum

[un]packed and [un]ready to go

my séjour at my 'rents is come to an end; in a matter of hours i will climb into the backseat of their new, why-didn't-we-have-this-when-i-lived-here vehicle to drive up to the big city. so ends the few days of my holidaze with family and old friends.

i wrote of the trip down... i think... on the train with my old gradeschool bff ? i'm too tired to halt writing this to look at past entries, but alls good. that was four days ago. tomorrow will mark five days at the old homestead.

my parents are the same as they were.

my sister and her family - crazy as ever. four children/five years.

my brother is, well, my brother. amaznoying as ever

my little sister is nice.

my hs bffs are doing well

two bought a house

one is expecting

i'm happy

my wife--check in with me for further detail--and her family are well

i played mario bros. on wii. frakin wii !!!

all in all, a good trip. but now as i watch the clock tick closer to my etd (if eta can work, why can't etd?) i'm left feeling a bit torn. part of me always wants to rush off back to my life (MY LIFE) away from this place. but another part of me misses is greatly and wonders how my life would be different had i never left, or if i were to move back here tomorrow.

there are many thoughts running through my head, as they oft do. in a mere matter of months i quite possibly could (have to?) move back here. what is there keeping me at my chez moi now? i do like where i live and the friends and really the family i've made there. here's hoping i have <3strings to keep me there too soon one day, but i daren`t rush that.

argh. i should sleep. nay, pack. nay, surf the interweb for a few more mind-numbing hours. i can sleep in the backseat on the way back to my place (MY PLACE).

hic extraneus sum. am i though?

un autre noël; sourires et soupires

voilà on est le jour après noël. on a donné et a reçu nos cadeaux. la famille nous a rendu visite, les cartes lues, le souper mangé - le tout fait.

c'est presque un cliché en l'écrivant, mais je ne peux croire que l'anné soit terminée. janvier 2010 nous approche en moins de cinq jours... et avant que l'on l'aparçoive ça sera noël de nouveau. câlin.

ce matin ma famille est assis dans le salon atour de l'arbre de noël tout allumé et décoré, et ceint de cadeaux (tous pour mes nièces et mes neveux bien entendu). ça fait déjà bien d'années que je leur ai dit à mes parents que je ne veux rien pour noël en tant que cadeaux vriament. néanmoins, on m'a donné qq pièces que j'aime bien (y inclus une nouvelle montre, merrrrci), et le moitié du frais d'inscription à une conférence pour l'année prochaine. whoo-hoo!

une chose que j'attendais depuis que je suis arrivé...est finalement arrivé. un txt. un txt de lui. il m'a pris toutes mes forces de ne lui pas écrire, car je ne voulais pas le pousser ou whtvr, mais qnd il m'a txté, j'ai souris d'une oreille à l'autre. je lui ai répondu, naturellement, et on a discusté un peu. cela fut hier. ce matin j'ai décidé de lui txté encore pour lui souhaiter un joyeux noël -- comme je fais avec tous mes amis -- mais je voulais lui en envoyer un en particulier. :)

je hais l'internet et ses sites interactifs, pourtant. c'est là ou on peut voir les commentaires et les photos de certaines personnes avec d'autres personnes... but whtvr, cela ne me dérange pas (ou bien ne devrait pas me déranger...)

les cris de mes nièces et mes neveux sont partis, et là j'écris cette entrée avec lui à l'esprit. je vais lancer un coup d'œil à son photo avant de quitter l'ordi, mais je vous laisse avec ces qq mots-ci.

joyeux fêtes à vous tous

hic extraneus sum

holidaze

with a whole four...was it five hours of sleep last night i awoke to my alarm at 6 a.m., jumped in the shower, and threw back my yumtastic chocowheyprotein shake. the start to the holidaze. i was actually smart enow this year to pack the night before leaving the city, instead of frantically throwing random items of clothing from my dresser and closet into the [wrong] suitcase and run with it half unzipped down the stairs, as in years past. no, i was smart. packed and ready to go...ish.

it was cold leaving hogtown, so bundled i was when the sister drove up with her man and i lifted my suitcase into the backseat. erm... or onto my lap apparently. sisterfriend had packed a narwhal in the giant bag that took up more than half the back seat. sure, i've been hitting the gym lately, but i didn't fit too comfortably into that half-left-over-seat...in my winter jacket avec suitcase and backpack (napsack soo).

alls good - what's 20 mins in that state on our way down to union station.

last year in line a bad memory from highschool feigned remembering me and line jumped...with his bag of shellfish and meat from the market. seriously. this year my sister warned that she'd punch a brother if such a bad memory came to pass again. so, when i heard my name called out this morning as we queued up, i half shield my faceface from my sister's blow. but, phew! it was my old gradeschool best friend. small world. made for a good trainride to the ends of the earth (or at least to the south of canada)

4 hours later, and a few of them slept...ah sweet slumber...we meet my mother to drive home. the parking lot is a zoo, as per uzh, so she texts me "i can't get in. come meet me on the other side of the tracks". i'm like okay. my sister, though runs off in a craze. turns out, her text read "i'm on the tracks". a little different, no? ha!

driving through my small town, we come up on the torch. as in The Torch. th'olympic torch relay running along the road/shore/boarder of the country. i had seen it in toronto, but still history and all that, so ooh and ah and lookatthatness.

finally at my 'rents, i throw down my suitcase and backpack and breathe in the air from my highschool days in my old room [read guestroom now for people like me. guests]. four more days of this. great.

in amazingness news, i got a picturebook from my friends' wedding (i stood) and love it. aaaand, one of the fab 4 hs bffs is expecting! this is this blogger haphaphappy :)

technically it's now dec 24. xmas eve. the solstice/yule are past and the new year has begun.
that good things come to us, you and me - especially in the next four days whilst here.

hic extraneus sum

se'n recorda de quan es llegia aquest blog?

jo tampoc.


merci. em sento molt volgut... molt.


hic extraneus sum

alonement

a.lone.ment /əˈloʊnmənt/
-noun

1. feeling of solitude
2. not having anyone or anything to connect with
3. knowing at a precise moment that everything will end singularly
4. the way i feel right now. surrounded by masses, feeling utterly alone.

hic solitarium sum

i make me laugh

no wopen
(what i read)


now open
(what it really read)

i laughed for a good while to myself as i walked up not-ould street. seriously, i can keep myself entertained for hours.
i don't bring books or music or games on bus rides or trains. i just think to myself and laugh.

who reads no wopen. what's a wopen anyway and why would it be banned?

hic extraneus sum

immer noch nicht sicher...

fast ein monat. nicht unglaublich, aber ich bin immer noch nicht sicher,

was ich fühlen soll.

wir haben geredet und es ist jetzt klar, dass wir „sehen einander“. 'r hat kürzlich eine beziehung geendet,

und weiß ich, dass er vielleicht nicht bereit andere direkt ist.



hic extraneus sum

defrakincember

november's is come and gone. another year older. autumn outgoing and winter incoming.
whaaat?! when did this happen? all of a sudden december decided to sneak attack us and blitz us from behind (and not in the good way).

e.ver.y year i say "december already?!" in disbelief. seriously, e.ver.y year. as if i'm not expecting the only 'd' month to come. what would really surprise me would be if it just didn't come one year.

october
november
january
b'wha?

some good things about december i guess:
end of the semester - only weeks away from panicked excitement
holiday/winter break - three weeks of sloth and gluttony... i mean rest and relaxation
xmas/chanuka/etc - gift giving and making people smile.

...and hopefully more time with happy.

december. you bring winter at your tail-end. but you also bring other good things i guess. i'll take that frak out of you, defrakincember. you can be my december (just bring cocoa and popcorn)

hic decemberaneus sum

edge of the pan...

"out of the frying pan, and into the fire"

i am hours away from finishing my next-to-last week of my next-to-last semester of my [next-to-last?] post-grad programme... these past few years have been amazing, awful, awesome and frypanish. but, i can't - no don't want to - imagine what will happen after i finish all of this business and i give up the comfortable label "student"...

interpreter = a.k.a the fire

this should be fun.

i've been happy though, of late. great times with smiles and handholding and just i like the happyhap.

that made no sense, but whatevers. i'm posting this with big smiles. sort of forgot what i was wryting about.

oh yeah - frypan. fire.

i'm scurred.

hic extraneus sum

déu n'hi do!

fa anys, es a dir tota la meva vida, que vaig essent solter. podia comptar les cites que vaig tingut amb una mà... pero fa uns messos algo passa. surto amb nois de tant it tant. i sento que els agrado. m'explico. fa dues setmenes i poc que vaig sortir amb un noi super maco i simpàtic. la cita va ser diver i interessant. uns dies despres l'he invitat a menjar a ca meva i a veure una pel.licula. res de motius ulteriors... i passaren uns dies. el dia abans mi aniversari, hem sortit encara a un restaurant.

ara tenim plans per aquet cap de setmana i en tinc ganes. vull veure'l i quedar-me amb ell. és intel.ligent, maco, simpa, i una bona persona - o bé ho crec.


...pero aquí hi ha el problema meu. un altre noi m'ha demanat de sortir amb ell. i havia altres també que m'han escrit. hi ha una expressió anglesa que es diu "quan es plou, s'inunda". un noi em demana, i es fa una cola derrera d'ell?! déu n'hi do... i tant!

ara no sé exactement què fer. m'agrado molt el primer noi, pero només hem sortit tres vegades junts. hauria de sentir mal per haure sortit amb altres? ... no sé

què haig de fer? ajuda'm, sisplau.

sortint amb nois no és fàcil!

hic extraneus sum

i am...

...happy
not to jinx it, but things are going well. a few times out and still talking. good sign. still adorable as ever, and smart, and sexy and cute and furry and fun. looking forward to next week for more happy. walking and talking. and happying.

...sad
four weeks over. back to books. tests. not ready. not wanting to be ready. up late prepping (ironic word really). already missing the past four weeks. don't want them to stop, but time can't stand still. learnt so much; now gotta use it.

...older
yesterday was day o' me. i'm another year older and another year wiser (or so i'd have you believe). had cake, and more cake. good curry and conversation. the day before i also went out - see first tab... happy :)

...thinner
not really important, but my one jacket that didn't fit now does and i loves it. loves. it. but, the air traffic controllers don't wave their glow sticks anymore when i come down the road. bonus

...happy.
see first bullet. i like happy. i like him.

fever and cold

i'm le sick. had to stay home today [again] today. sucks le grand one. my neck is a bit stiff and my throat is sore (oh wait, how awesome is this. me, the linguist, i've been writing that i have a soar throat... apparently the reason it hurts so much is because it's flying out of my mouth... nice.)

i'm feeling better though. suggestions to stay chez moi were wise (which makes sense given whence they came) and i've enjoyed some home-made soup too. mmm.

now, i'm back to some readings for my own erudition and self-growth...or something fancyfance.

enjoy the day, the week, and holiday. it's thanksgiving. eat it up.

that and tomorrow is my birthday. bonne fête me!

and today makes two

two days since
amazingness
happy
hours and hours
grin laugh smile

what do i do now? i hate that i don't know the rules. are there even rules?

hic extraneus sum

les deux points et parenthèse de fermature

:)

je suis le content.



hic extraneus sum

nur stunden...

in 18 stunden könnte meine welt sich ändern.
er kommt. wir sprechen. der abend fängt an.
wir plaudern. ich trage das abendessen aus der küche
und essen... der film spielt.
ich weiß nicht genau was ihm sagen. "wie geht's?"

nur stunden und stehe er vor mir.
nur stunden

hier bin ich ausländer

...et les incertitudes me reprennent...

je suis content
je suis heureux
je suis ...

je ne suis
pas certain


que veulent-elles les incertitudes qui me pestent?
pourtant, ça ne me surprend pas trop que l'instant que
je me trouve même le moindre content, la sensation complète
d'insuffisance m'inonde...

ai-je vraiment la chance de qqch bonne?

hic felix sum?

a great day

see title.
i'm happy.
looking forward to soon again

happy

next day:
okay, whatever. i want to write more. yesterday i had such an amazing time out at lunch...and then a few hours of dateness. i'm still smiling. goin on a date with a cute boy is one thing. but having so much more than just a cute person looking back at you is sooo much better. smart (like i feel really awkward and out of my element almost he's good with numbers), funny, real, and down-to-earth, plus he can rock a great shirt.
what a day/date though. dim sum - yum. then walking, and buying a suit. he bought a suit. who buys a suit! but whatever, it was really fun. walking and more walking. talking and more talking. coffee, gelato, and more walking (and then favouriteness the handhold) yup, i'm that guy. swoon. (just thought of what if he finds this blog... what if he already reads it? meh, like two people do and i know both of you, so no worries there)
but i'm happy. eagerly looking forward to the next time our schedules cross.

a great day


hic extraneus sum

diumenge

ja som diumenge del segona/tercera setmana de novembre (depèn com consideres una setmana..). no me'l puc creure. on va el temps? déu n'hi dó! aher va ser un bon dia. llarg, per ò bo. a veure, tornem a divendres per una exlicació complete. vaig quedar-me amb un amic meu i hem parlat molt (feia molt de temps des de que no ens hem vist, dont calia informar-nos dels nostres). m'agrada quedar-me amb daam - és intel ·ligent, graci òs i maco. no obstant... el seu novi es va unir a nosaltres al fi de la nit. ja m'ha havia parlat d'ell, i m'esperava a un noi simpàtic, intel ·ligent i ben parlat - wow. la pesona qui va aparèixer era borratxa i parlant a veu alta. va demanar quatre begudes dins de 10 minutes...! la cambrera va parrar de servir-lo. ha!

bé, ahir vaig tenir una reunió al migdia... de tant i tant interessant, i tant nooo. després vaig sopar amb una amiga meva que no he vist fa dues setmanes. bé. i, a les 8 va començar una festa. he treballat. experiència interessant. entre el sopar i la festa m'ha trucat un noi amb qui parlo/txto fa un més (més o menys). què maco... m'ha demanat de dinar amb ell...

:-)

i bé, ara som avui. diumenge. la segona/tercera setmana de novembre. estic a ca meva, assegut al sofà escivint. nerviòs...en menys de tres hores haig de conèixer el noi.

getting over the him and falling for the me

i'm sure you're all getting/are tired of readin my sob story entries and attemps at prose and verse wherein i vent and spew and wryte about a nameless him. well, with this entry i hope to stop. time has passed and i've found myself capable of going days without even thinking of him.

of late, he's the one who contacted me... mind you it was in response to my message to him years ago [read days, but he takes his time, n'est-ce pas]. he wrote long-winded. i replyed in words. he continued. i tried to not. at long last - at least i think - he was contacting... that is, he was not simply replying to me. ha.

this may seem like a giant nothing to the many of you out there who read this (...sigh, many) but for this blogger it is a big thing. i've long wanted to be done with you. long wanted to wake and feel no more for you what i once felt/feel. there's no off switch, but there sure as hell is a dimmer. it works on a timer, a long-frakking-waiting-to-dim timer, but a timer nonetheless. it's dark in here. i like this darkness. die dunkelheit. hmmm.

new things have taken the place of sallowing wallowing. i've found me. as have others. who knew people would like me. in person. in verse. in pictures. who knew. admirers, futures friends, future dates, future. who knew? i'm liking this new feeling.

i'm like it muchly. though angst and woe are good fuel a heavy entry on a blog, a happy post makes the poster, ahem me, a happy gent.

out with the him
in with the me

in with the me

do you know me? would you fall for me? have you already fallen...


hic extraneus sum

hoy

jue
ves

el sol
la mañ
ana
me ha salud
ado

mis ojos pesad
os
se quieren
cerrar

me tengo
que ir
a
trabajar

ya
me voy
yendo

aunque
mi cama
mehace

falta




hic extraneus sum

wasting away in sleep

o slumber, how i've missed you.

i've spent everyday in bed this week past 10 a.m.. the day's plans cancelled or postponed. i feel a bit guilty for not getting too much done, but at the same time i love that can sleep and sleep and sleep. reminds me of my 23 hours of straight sleep back in uni.

i've had some interesting dreams, that's for sure. not sure if it's because i've stayed up so late, or because i've tried some interesting recipes these past few days and my stomach is going all dalí on me. once i dreamt some random lady in my apartment was there to sue me (b*tch) and i got so p-o'ed. but no, she was our guest along with the other people who just moved in next door... the next night i dreamt someone life was on show like a movie with all the formulaic components... and just now as i write i awoke from having someone telling me about their actions in a great war. i'm a pacifist (and not passive - whose meaning is very different when announcing to the world "i'm passive", also learnt that this week) so this dream was a bit b'wha. wonder if it has with novemberance day today.

sleep deprived - overslept. that's me.

hic extraneus sum

au jour d'hui

chez moi, assis, j'écoute les sons journaliers. ils sont familiers, nonobstant neufs. je ne me trouve pas trop souvent chez moi à midi. hier commençat-il la deuxième semaine de quatre de mon stage. normalement je suis ça et là en train d'observer ou bien de travailler moi-même... mais aujourd'hui, au jour d'aujourd'hui, je me trouve sans quoi à ce matin.

je sais écrire des minimes de mes frutrations, de mes tristesses, de mes douleurs.
mais je n'écris guère assez souvent des journées normales.

je me lève
je prépare le déjeuner
je lis
je réponds aux couriels
je prépare le repas pour ce soir (que ne vais pas savourer moi-même, mais mes colocs, oui)
je prends ma douche
je décide quoi me mettre (sweater et chemise, comme tjrs, mon uniforme)

là je suis prêt à sortir. je vais rencontrer une collègue. par la suite je descends à mon stage.
quelle journée.

au jour d'hui
je fais la répétition
au jour d'hui
je suis déprimé et content
au jour d'hui
j'écris de mes malheurs
et il n'y a que qq personnes qui s'en fichent...

hic extraneus sum

i have to laugh

i remember the expression - or at least i think i remember it being an expression
"i laugh so i won't cry" or something like that.

i've realised that i often find myself saying this. either to myself or to others. situations vary, but usally they're the shitty ones that make us hate whatever it is that we're doing - working, playing, trying to do neither... of late i've found myself stressing over my work and how clear i am, equivalent, properly message-ing, not mumbling, blah blah blah. and as such, i find my self just as often telling myself (and others for that matter) that i need to laugh, otherwise i'll cry.

when i first started saying this, i think it was in jest. ha ha, oh dav.e funny you are. how cute how migon. i'm too old for cute now i'm not so much mignon (..okay, i am a bit mignon)

but when the sht comes aflying, i get athinkin' about not just me, but also about the people who work with us. they're the ones who will need to laugh (and/or cry) when i frak up.

haha funny tear
tear funny
haha
funny ha tear
shinny



*i first wrote this about four nights ago, drunk and not all too sober otherwise neither. it was rife with mistakes and un-me-isms. i almost posted as was, but couldn't. i'm sure i've missed some things, but here you have it world.

let's laugh

hic extraneus rideo

happy beeday

to two of my friends, on your respective birthdays

happy birthday.

tonight was fun
good food
tasty wine
great conversation

happy birthday


hic extraneus sum

tell me me

if i had a day for me for you
would you spend it with me
it would be sunny but not hot
and not so bright we'd have to squint
just sunny enough. and clouds.

clouds enough to look up and see pictures
in the clouds
dragons and people and cars
and birds
fluffy

would you lie with me in the grass
but not lie to me in the grass
tell me me

would you walk with me for hours
until our feet hurt and we'd get a cup
coffee tea cider stout
and talk for hours more
tell me me

we would sing and song along
up and down
watch the people go by
and critique and criticize
good bad ugly fugly foo

a day together for us
hours to do nothing
or everything anything

sit and stand
walk with me
tell me me




hic extraneus sum

que je sois comme toi

t es mots m'inspirent.
t u trouves réconfort en exprimant tes frustrations et tes passions
t es cicatrices
t es balafres et
t es deuils.
t on émotion est preuve de ta vérité (parfois brutale)
t 'écris comme un poète/un chanteur/un écivain de grand succès

t u as des qualités dont je suis jaloux

que je sois comme t oi

hic extraneus sum

a goud dae

todae i went end lernt a lott from peeple and had a chanse to werk myself.
i feel goud aboot it.
it's a goed dae.

hic extraneus sum

the alone effect

have you ever the nights when you stay at home
there's low music playing the ckground and you feel at ease
but for some reason it's not an easy ease

you're alone - and it feels like the entire world knows
that you're alone

tonight is a night where i'm alone
i sit typing, avoiding words from words
moving from table to couch to floor
torn unsure

i know what needs to be done
i feel what wants to be done
i wonder what may be done
i wish for what has yet to be done
alone

and the world knows it

for this i can't throw blame
like game
i am an allstar this i know
you know (he knows)

but for this i can't throw blame
this is me
sad alone
the music plays on bringing me down
but i can't stop it

i like the tune the melody
the lyrics they're fun
they're uplifting
i'm not
ironic

and here i write and write and vent and go
and wonder if you wonder
why
what's his deal
his problem

it's just me
another side
facet
face it
i'm me

and tonight i'm alone
at home
typing and thinking
singing and squirming
writing out what must read
like a stream of consciousness

there it is
i stop

hic solo sum nocturn

FML

i do languages
not numbers

numbers are found in budgets
i don't do budgets

dentist is a word
i do dental

payments has numbers
i don't do numbers
but still i pay

split five ways
i hate being po

taking donations. hic extraneus sum

mi diente...

ayer por la tarde mi diente empezó a dolerme. se siente como si le falta algo - de vero es como si he desalojado un empaste. que pena. anoche a las 11 me puse a buscar oficinas de dentista que están abiertas el sábado. encontré una y llamé. dejé un mensaje pidiendo que me llamara para fijar una cita. esta mañana me ha llamado - hay una cita a la 11. ¡sí!

ya voy yendo a llegar tiempo... suerte!

hic extradentis sum

denken an ihm...

can' t help it.

working away at something somewhat unrelated to him, but in the end still is. why i chose this life that will for-ever be intertwined with his in some shape, way or form.

can't concentrate. i fb time away. look at his page. he doesn't know. does he? that'd be weird.

i post here. another way to pass the time. less reading and more nothingdoing. grrr. worse still is that the reading i should be doing is actually interesting. frak him. taking me away from something that is good for me and good for me! how dare he creep into my head like this.

i need a drink. where's my keg?

hic extraneus sum

i wish i were a musician

strumming away at the gui-tar
chording and chorusing
writing songs that others would like
that stick in your head - earworms

i wish i were a musician
and wear skinny jeans and v-neck t-shirts
and plaid - something plaid
and a hat

i wish i were a musician
and everyone would want to know me
and think me a poet
and want to be my muse
fcuk me love me hate me adore me

i wish i were a musician
and play gigs and have fans
who'd sing my songs
and love when i played covers
and i would rock 'em

i wish i were a musician
all hip, cool, mod, trendy, indy, awesome
with my own myspace page
and itunes
more than three chords per song

i wish i were a musician
then the words i would write wouldn't just be for me

but i'm not a musician
i own a gui-tar
i know chords
i sing
i am

i'm glad i'm not a musician though
i would only wish i were something else...

hic extraneus sum

when i were/where i were

with a dog-sat dog with me in the back seat, my mind started to drift and wend round the recesses of my brain. i had forgotten so much.

and now remember.

i couldn't help wonder what events have brought me to where i am now

and to imagine what other events might have led me to a different place. where i were...

(i do love the subjective/conjuctive...)

going back to my early days--before i ever knew about interpreting, or about linguistics, or about anything past my smalltown ontario, i dreamt of being high. hold on - i mean flying high. in cockpits (another of those words that sound dirrty but aren't). i loved the image of pilotes in their uniforms walking through terminals and flying jet planes... clearly my love of a man in uniform has long roots.

about the time i started heading to the big(gish) city for hs i let my thoughts of piloting and planes change to thought of pilotes and milehighclubs... and, i started thinking more about my life after being young. georgraphy had always had a hold on me (i still draw maps and try to memorise random facts... once learning all the mexican states for fun on bet from friends. they had to pay up.) with teachers for parents, the thought of becoming a geo teacher wasn't too farfetch'd. oh, and of course my hs geo prof was gorgeous. first pilotes, then salt-and-pepper franco-ontarians... oh les souvernirs. right, well i realised that my parents were teachers and i weren't. i turned to anthro and archaeology. i loved the idea of discoring old civilisations and peoples and learning about their cultures, and languages. my friends even thought i would become an archaeologist - so much so that the valedictorian mentioned it in her speech! small school...

twasn't until my last year that i found a programme at uni that [i thought] fit the bill. this, however, was mislabelled and it was not a flattering fit. i don't like politics. needless to say, i changed. a few times. finally finding language.

i've since held my own in a number of posts, utilising the skills acquired and knowledge learnt - but always looking for a way to fit words in or something philological...

inthenedly i am here. months away from dropping the student from my signature and step out as a tru-biz interpreter. here's hoping my what-if-futures will help me later on. who knows: i may find myself in a cockpit, or before a map or globe, or at a dig site...

where i were... where i am.

i can't help but wonder what it was along the way, or what things were along the way that affected me such that i changed my path. sure, self-discovery is one thing, but were there people who inspired me? frightened me? taught me? showed me? why did i give up on one dream for another? is it fair to say that i gave up on them, or that they simply changed/morphed/became another? or are they really all part of the same dream? where would i be if.... if...

who would i see looking back at me

in the looking glass of me?

hic extraneus sum

joy!

was so happy yesterday, all i wanted to so was....




hic gaudius sum

jann - the singer of my soul

how can music reach so far in and feel so much?



she's the one person i would stop my world to meet.
and cry the whole time.

she is a muse; a master; a more-than-words-can-be; a me


hic extraneus sum

crying on the inside

i never knew that if you hold them back long enough, tears run down on the inside. you don't see them. you don't feel them - on your face. it's when they hit your chest, your lungs, your heart that the salty sting cripples you.

pushing them back again and again can't be good for the ducts. inverse, reverse, inward dripping. to weap like this rehydrates? or dehydrates? shedding tears extracts salt. hiding my tears from you dries me out from the inside out. how dare you...

i have nothing to give up. you need to figure things out. and try not to do it whetted. change of plans - you planned. i know how to read, read time, read you. at least i did. i wonder if like a page in a book my face shows where the tears stain, from the inside out.

i don't like firery hard-to-read signs that lead me nowhere. i don't like the uncertainty of how to express what is inside. you should know better.

i need to pour water over my face. hide the tracemarks of unshed tears. you cut me deep. i push deeper. you mustn't know... do you know?

i half want you to see me break down and drown in this pool :: i half want you to never see me again.


hic extraneus sum

qu'écrire?

je me trouve devant mon ordi sans savoir qu'écrire. voilà un bon bout de temps depuis que j'ai bloggué (ou bien que j'ai posté... sans le publié j'ai écrit qqs entrées totalement frustré et fraké au monde mais ne les ai pas publiées) je suis le premier à harseler mes amis quand ils n'évrivent pas assez souvent, mais je laisse tombé mon propre blog.

mon bad. ma bad?

on est mardi. normalement je reste au lit jusqu'à trop tard, mais aujourd'hui j'avais une entrevue. doigts croisés.

alors, je vous laisse avez ces qqs mots.

hic extraneus sum

la noche sin fin...

esta noche salí con eskje en coche. condujimos tres horas por toda la ciudad...es decir por to.d.a la ciudad - del oeste al este. voooooommmmm

después del día de clase, llegué a casa y me puse a descanzar. eskje entró a las ocho y le dije que quería hacer algo. tenía planes con un amigo, pero los canceló - tuve que estar en otra ciudad... blah blah. pues, intenté de hacer otros planes, pero otra vez no conseguí a fijar mi noche.

en.ton.ces - entra eskje. decidimos de salir en coche (ella ha alquilado un coche para el finde pq tiene que ir de compras y al ikea, etc...) de nuestra casa fuimos jane y bajamos al centro a bloor (los que conocéis toronto ya podéis imaginar la carta de que escribo, los demás...pues... mapquest o cómo queráis). giramos al oeste otra vez y condujimos a los fines de la civilización - islington, ya sabéis. nos dimos la vuelta y pasamos por kingsway, bloorwest village, y vimos una multitud de cafés, restaurantes, tiendas y cositas muy interesantes. valdría la pena de volver a visitarlos. en la calle dundas bajamos hasta queen, y pasamos por parkdale y queen west village. a bay bajamos más a king y condujimos (al este...¿segís?) al otro lado del mundo conocido - warden. ya sabéis que la calle king se termina en la calle queen - pero no hacía falta escribirlo...aunque ya lo he hecho.... mierda.

pues, subimos al norte (claro que al sur no hi había opción, salve en nave... continuamos aquí y ací, allí y allá... ¡y eskje no me mató!

al final, aunque mis planes originales se han cancelado, mi noche era muy diver, y la pasé con una amiga muy buena. hasta la próxima....

hic extraneus sum

what think you?

who are we?
what will we become?

are we strangers here?

nie weiß ich, was er will...

heut'nacht hab ich 'nen type getroffen.
ich kann nicht treffen...
ich bin null...
ich fühle mich verloren...

ahhhhhh....

hic extraneus sum...

glass vase cello case

a friend lent me but i'm a cheerleader today and i've finally seen this queercinema classic. very good and all should see it. but what stuck with me more this song. by tattle tale this song just has so many good things about it.... the video is just one that i pulled from the interweb; couldn't find the 'official video'. do let me know if you know of it.

absolutely beautiful...

takes my breath away.

hic extraneus sum

de retour au push

cet après-midi je suis allé au gymnase après m'y avoir rejoint la semaine passée. il faisait une année depuis ma dernière visite quand il fallait que j'y quitasse pour des raisons vachement financières... pourtant whatever j'y suis de retour. cette année, j'ai décidé, et une où je vais faire pour moi, réaliser mes buts et mes objectifs. j'ai beaucoup aimé venir au gymnase et ça m'a manqué... mes vêtements peuvent en attester.

on m'a fait faire un plan de santé perso où j'ai fait le tour des machines de musculation et les bonus du site, parlé de mes habitues alimentaires, mes buts et ma dédication au processus. après le training j'ai fait un petit circuit pour me refraîchir et pour me réhabiter aux machines et le tout.

une bonne douche... et je m'en suis allé.

j'ai rencontré un ami (de qui, je crois, j'ai trop écris...) pour une bière ...ou deux. on a jasé, ce qui me met tjrs de bonne humeur. l'aurevoir. le bye-bye. et je m'en vais.

une fois rentré, je vois qu'eskje n'est pas seule à l'aparte! sinon avec notre bonne amie issa qui j'adore! tjaad est rentré lui aussi et nous quatre riions et riions et riions... mais comme c'était drôle et amusant! j'adore mes amis.

là j'attends l'arrivée du soleil qui marquera le commencement d'une nouvelle journée. mon mardi. joli mardi. pas de classe. je dors. aucun cadran.

je prépare une lasagne. mmmm
qui en a envie?

faim
fin

hic extraneus sum

startending

this week i have the first classes of my last classes

nervous, anxious, excited, freaked and wholly ahhh'ed; i'm ready to turn the page into this chapter of this tome i call my life. long have i waited for this day to come, and endly it is. with new backpack--that's napsack for soo, haircut, and about 3 baggillion pounds put on over the summer, i'm game to walk into class tomorrow morning...mor.n.ing... with hands in air and discourse markers at the ready.

these past few years have seems both quick- and slow-moving; at times leaving me feeling like i'll for ever be a student, and at other times making me feel like it all has rushed past me.

i'm loving it and part of me doesn't want it to end... but i know it will. really, it's not so much ending as it is continuing...naturally. a hatchling first learns to fly before jumping into the unknown, uncertain sky, away from the warmth and comfort of its nest. i too must take what i have learnt and let myself to the wind - i too will catch an updraft and lift upwards. i have not been led astray.

twenty-eight weeks. then, no more safety net - interpreter student.
twenty-eight weeks. then, no more waiting for the day to come - it will be come.
twenty-eight weeks. then, no more whens or ifs - i will be m.e.

countdown to m.e.

at the ready
i wait. hours before i coffee up, packmyback, out the door and down the town.
ready. set. go.

nervous, anxious, excited, freaked and wholly ahhh'ed...

hic extraneus sum

a.maz.ing.

sinead's hand

beaut.i.ful.

hic extraneus sum

i do

something old

something new

something borrowed

something blue

i'm down windsor way this week for friends' wedding (yes, not the plural possessive). two of my best friends from waybackwhen are getting married this weekend. i was just down last weekend, as my swedish entry mentioned, and am again in the s/x for holiday.

daan and nikla have been friends of mine for over ten years - and most of us knew they'd end up walking down the alter together. twas only a matter of time really - and we all couldn't be happier for 'em.

i wish i had a fun picture to go along with then entry, but just close your eyes a picture the best couple ever. that's it. that's daan and nikla.

féliciations mes amis. félicitations.

hic extraneus sum
et caelebs

another weekend blog blog

got back on friday night to the big city after a great trip down southwestway to see friends. walked saturday down young hogtown from young&eligible to the front with kaarie, with a few stops here and there. found an amazing tea shop and got some rooibos with eucalytus and orange.... teatastic.

we then stumbled upon the buskersfest and saw some really good shows. laughs, laughs, and laughs. oh, and it was funny. after finding the cozzy castle "number 1 hostel in canada" for kaarie, we made our way to an event where hands flew and words were [not] spak.

after that we joined another friend for drinks (yes, i'm blogging about it - but you don't read this, so...) and wait for about 13 days for the streetcar to show up.

it. did.n't.

she cabbed.
i crashed.
zzz.

today was walked home after waking. then chez moi for a while - ordernising my things readying the greatroomswap. afterthat back downtown into the jungle to meet kaarie, eskje and mo'net for dinner at rancho relaxo - mexicano super rico, so GO there - and then caught second city improv.

i forgot how much i love improv. i improv'd. i forgot. laughs, laughs and laughs.

now back at home. had some brownie. thanks eskje.
tomorrow starts another day.

i am a stranger here
hic extraneus sum

fantastiska dagar

i natt kom jag hem till toronto efter ett par fantastiska dagar i aberg med min familj och vänar.  i tisdags åkte jag till flygplatsen för att picka upp min vän kaarie (hon flög från sverige i tisdags med stopp i frankrike och amerika.... 20 timmar senare...) 

jag har träffade henne för 5 år sedan i spanien; vi har hållt kontakten och nu är hon här.

efter en god natts sömn, på onsdagmorgen började vi på väg söderut.  f.y..r...a timmar senare ankom vi hem till mina förlädrar.  vi fyra pratade, sen körde  kaarie och jag till min vän mérsja i windsor.  kaarie drack hennes första doubledouble och tog hennes första timbits.  välkommen till kanada!

på torsdags morgen besökte vi min hemstad, och i kväll, efter vi besökte min syster och hennes familj, såg vi marlee matlin (jäj!!) med mina goda vänar.

i fredags tillbackte vi till hogtown, med ett stopp i vatenloo.  vi har plannar för morgendagen, men jag vet inte exakt vad...

my swedish is a.maz.ing. i know.  it'll only get better.  

hic extraneus sum

verwirrend

du bist ver.wir.rend
ver.wir.rend.er dann je

ver.rückt

oder?


vielleicht ist's besser
wenn du keine hallo sagst

keinen gruß
nichts


vielleicht...
oder?

sag mir keine hallo


hic extraneus sum

humins are horrible

humins are horrible

: another movie commentary

saw district 9 the other night. reely well done. like reely. besides the fakt that the special effex were seemless and beauful and like whoa, the story was hardhitting (i think) and made me feal something –

we humins are horrible

i daren’t write too much lest i give away the plot. suffice it to say i am thankful we have gotten past the time when it was “acceptable” – socially, politically and huminly – to treet people (or aliens) as second-class citizens.

though, it hurts to think there was such a time.

why do we suck?

why?

hic extraneus sum

what's my julia?

tonight i saw julie & julie. firstly, let me write in just a few words that i very veryveryveryvery much liked this movie. it was funny. it was sad. it was funny again. and it had some of my favourite things:


meryl
food
men

all the right ingredients for the perfect recipe (pun intended). for those who don't know, the show tells the story of one julie who cooks her way through julia's cookbook. i willn't write more lest i give away even the slightly amazingness.

this film did get me to thinking though: what is mine that is julie's julia? what might bring me to find myself, bring myself back down to sanity and self-awareness, happiness, and mean cooking skillz? (okay, so the last doesn't havehave to happen, but total bonus) ? what could i set myself to do for one year, each day, with a real deadline?

i already have the "make it through my programme and graduate", "remember what a gym looks like and go", and "get the ink", but something more just just for me...

suggestions? what should this guy do?

hic extraneus sum

voilà une autre fin de semaine...

dimanche soir déjà

où va-t-il le temps? ça me semble de plus en plus comme si vendredi après-midi arrive, et avec un clin d'œil c'est dimanche soir. avec les années on parçoit le passage du temps différement. c'est comme le plus que l'on a vécu, le plus on apprécie le temps - apprécier qui est il vraiment. bouge-t-on à travers le temps, ou bien bouge-t-il par-dessus nous? bouge-t-on ou est-on fixe?

mon weekend a été fun. vendredi je suis sorti avec qq amis à souper et jaser. ça m'a fait du bien. un autre ami m'a invité à un party o/black-out, pourtant je ne pouvais être à deux endroits en même temps, so... mais j'ai lu de ses aventures sur son blog et ça me parraît avoir été grand le fun.

samedi j'avais toute un horaire plein...mais une chose après l'autre s'annulait... un peu frustrant, mais voilà la vie la vie. finalement, il ne me restait qu'une chose - un get-together avec qqs amis sur l'île. coooool. j'adore l'île. et on peut y vivre! gé.ni.al!

dimanche (dit aujourd'hui) j'ai nettoyé l'apart un peu - mes collocs aussi. ce soir nous sommes allé catcher un film - district 9. wow, très bien fait. bravo. je le recommande. néanmois, là je me sens un peu géné en tant que personne/humain... allez le voir et vous me comprendrez.

voilà une autre fin de semaine...

hic extraneus sum

feel too much

kate nash - nicest thing
i lovehate this song.
eartoear smile but can't see blurrysalty eyes
reminds me of happy travels of sad moments you



hurt happy heavy harsh

hic extraneus sum

holy holiday batman!

pah! finally a weekend to myself that can actually be counted as my summe holiday. a whole two and a half days of out-of-town-ness, time-with-friends-ness, and i-drove-how-far?!-ness all wrapped up into good times and relaxing rest.

i tripped up to ville-du-roi a few hours away from hogtown with some friends. we left after werk on friday and hit the highway around 7pm. we made good time, i'd say, only stopping for coffee once i think. we draf to friends' of their farm in napanee - saw avril's highschool and everything. wow me. a quaint coutry home with a real nice feel to it save the somewhat tense tension at times, but that's the stuff for someone else's blog i'm sure. wine and talk and wine and good conversation and wine and wine later we finally slept. oh, to sleep sans alarm clock. noice.

the saturday we headed into kingston for a family thing, that was nice and interesting to say the least. after a bit of time with a crowd of people i didnt't really know, and after a yumtastic greek dinner (of cordon bleu, who knew it's greek. tastetastic all the same), we draf to a ferry and crossed over to wolf island (how canine) and to another friend's cottage. a-maz-ing. i want to retire there. i mean, so what if that family isn't planning on moving or selling the place...ever... but i'll figure something out. i. want. it. absobeautiful layout, cozzyasfcuk feeling, bedrooms galore (enough, not "why so many?!", but perfect), hottub to boot. hoe. leaf. uck. needless to say this made for one of the most relaxing evenings i've had alll summer long. and, accordingly, i slept like a log. one of those logs that sleep for ever without tossing or turning or waking in the middle of the night. one of those amazingly well slept logs. yeah, i slept like that.

sunday brought a nice day of rain and sun and more driving. we opted to take the longer, more scenic route back to t.dot along the water, stopping in bath along the way. we also drove through prettytown/belleville and i saw SJW - beautiful architecture and what grounds! i'd like to go back for sure. we also stopped at lake on the montain prov. park. really cool site in prince edward county. we also drove through picton. a "proud loyalist town" and real nice, but i couldn't get the news stories out of my head (sorry pictonites).

the final leg of the drive home was sodden with rain, lit with lightning and loud with thunder. all the same, it was an amazing weekend.

happhapphappy am i.

hic felice sum

röyksopprobyn

hur kunda jag ha missat detta?!

hic extraneus sum

snooooz

pour ma belle snooz.
elle est LA cool.

merci.

hic extraneus sum

a great weekend of firsts

friday the end-date for my contract (you will have read about that in previous posts, i’m sure…). the 3:30 p.m. finish was a welcomed end to my time at that office. i made my way to the busstop and went to meet a friend in midtown.

first first: boulangerie and walking through the neighbourhood close to where i once lived.

for three years i lived in midtown near y&e, but never explored the area. my friend recently got an apartment—que piso lindo—in the area and so we spent a few hours walking around. she took me a great little french bakery and treated me to a café and a pain au chocolat… délicieux.

second first: being embarrassed in the village

okay, so this isn’t necessarily a first – oft am i embarrassed in the village, but the way in which i was embarrassed is. out with friends friday night at a zrestaurant, we were served by a good-looking young man. i won’t dare write we flirted, but i will hazard we were chatting more than server/client might normally. one of my friends (term used lightly) assholed (used here as a verb…) to tell said server that “my friend thinks your hot hot hot.” quoth the asshole (used here as a noun). said server was scarce from that point on. …or perhaps we just left before he returned. it was soon after that we left. glass half-full, glass half-full.

third first: the beach/es and library with children

saturday morning i metro’ed down to the east end to meet a friend and her little ones. we went down to the beach/es (to please all possible readers, both “official” terms are here used in reference to the hogtown neighbouhood) to visit the bibliothèque and read some books en français, then walked down the boardwalk to the water’s edge. a good few hours later we said goodbye and au-revoir.

fourth first: painting, but not painting, but painting

another friend of mine recently moved back to t.dot and just moved into a place on reine rue. a nice space that she was painting. she enlisted a team of us to help paint the walls and the trim. although i paint (i.e. with an easel) i hadn’t ere painted (i.e. on walls). this proved fun and somewhat relaxing. i now have the urge to redo my apartment.

fifth first: stolen latte

i had my v.bean latte stolen from the bar at not1stglass this afternoon. i didn’t really care, and the folks made me a new one chop chop, but waddabitch who done took my bev. cut a bitch.

hic extraneus sum

le contraire de l'opposé

ma vie est actuellement un peut fuckée. vous vous souviendrez de mes entrées au sujet de mon fracase d'emploi. ben, hier fut la dernière journée de mon contrat. mardi est la première d'un nouveau... encore dans les boonies pourtant un boulot est un boulot et j'ai vachement besoin de l'argent (comme tout le monde - et je ne veux pas dire comme le cliché comme tout le monde mais vraiment tout.le.monde. on est en récession, allô...) j'y commence a 8h30 mardi, après longue fin de semaine (whoo!)...

hier après le travail je suis descendu voir une de mes amis qui je n'ai pas vu voilà un bon bout de temps. elle est très importante dans ma vie et je devrais vraiment passer plus de temps avec elle... bon, aprèw ça je suis descendu au centre-ville pour un get-together mensuel d'un group dont je suis membre. g.oo.d t.im.es le waiter était super cute. j'aimerais croire que nous flirtions, pourtant je suis pessimiste (seulement avec ma vie, autrement je suis optimiste total). maaais; une personne à la table lui a fait passer un message : "mon ami en rouge (je portait du rouge) pense que tu es hot hot beaucoup hot!" voyons, oké. c'est bel et bien le fun de blaguer entre amis de passer des tels messages, mais on ne le fait pas. point. frustrant. le mec nous a ignoré dès ce moment... ou bien nous nous sommes en allés avant qu'il ne soit retourné. meh, la vie la vie.

ce matin je suis allé recontrer une bonne amie et ses p'tits deux. j'adore les Beaches (le cartier et les plages) de la ville. un trip à la bibliothèque, ensuite une promenade le long du trottoir/boardwalk. mmm quel soleil!

d'un matin ensoleilé et ensourisé à un après-midi sombre et triste et seul... quels ups et downs me passent... comme je me fruste. whatev, ça me met égal; la vie la vie. une chose à la fois.

qu'avez-vous fait/que faîtes-vous ce long weekend?

hic extraneus sum. et vos?

WERE THE WORLD MINE!

my movie came in on the weekend. i've watched it already a number of times. i can't get over how much i love it. the music is simply amazing - and to think that it was written for this movie! you all must watch this movie. it has all my favouritenesses: song a midsummer night's dream cuteboys dance

we fairies that do run from the presence of the sun
we follow darkness like a dream!





if only the world really were mine...


hic extraneus sum