la última mitad

mañana es el último día antes de que me voy de practicum durante un mes. después, sólo tres semanas me separan de la final de este largo viaje. mitad y mitad y mitad, a lo largo de estos últimos años. y ahora el final está cerca, muy cerca...

casi no sé que hacer: alegrame o preocuparme

por un lado, realiso por fin mi sueño
por otro, ya tengo que encontrar trabajo

veremos
ya veremos

aquí soy estranjero

when wounds win

i have a friend
this friend is a bit of an odd guy. he's funny, but somewhat shy at first. vibrant but can be quiet. he takes his time to really get to know someone before he opens up to them. normal it would seem, but his hesitation to be himself has unfortunately impeded many good things for him in the past. things that could have made him very happy. my friend, you see.

i've seen my friend happy, but also sad. he usually smiles all the time. like all the time, both when happy and when sad. the happy smiles are bigger and brighter and make others smile. the sad smiles are empty though...like a mannequin in a store window. just a reflex to fit his sociocast role. my friend is "the friend" - his role you see. he is the one people talk to, the one people vent to, the one people to to to... and too rarely does he to to to them...

my friend has his wounds. they don't always show through from behind his smiles (happy and sad) which my friend likes. he prefers people not know he has wounds. the easy days are those when he is outgoing and has a day full of things to do, people to see and life to live... the hard days are those when the wounds win. the smile fails, epic really given its record of hiding things. these days my friend stays in the dark, in bed, for hours. he's told me you see.
after hours in bed, forced sleep and life-like dreams, he crawls out into his house and stumbles about. the wounds having won this battle.

but my friend is not ready to give up the fight
at least i hope

he re-analyzes the fight, his wounds, and why they hurt. he tells himself that they are only surface wounds are will heal quickly. this too shall pass.
my friend, though, apparently thinks that the deepest recesses of his heart and frayed heartstrings are on the surface.
poor friend, you will learn one day
i hope

i have a friend who has been hurt, whose wounds has since hurt him
and when wounds win his smile fades in and out
he's still funny and odd, but some days funnier than others.

high fives

hic extraneus sum

a week of werk

i'm typng with my eyes shut and my head heavy on my couch... drained of all energy from a week full of werk. assignments, presentations, appointments, interpreting, translating, langauges, reading, verbverbverb

not to mention meetings, minutes, reading, writing, volunteering, friendeeing, more meetings, ore readings, more more more

and there was the goodness and great thing of going to the gym. though busy and somewhat time consuming, i really love thegym. its a place to warm up, cool down, destress and centre myself
plus, a lot of cute mans with big arms...
biceps are god's way of saying
"this is what candy looks like"

funny story about the gym. i went the other day closer to "jock-head time" after the working day. had to wait to work into a few machines - no biggy. but my bike was taken and the folks therepeddling wer sooo not even into their cardio and were really just sitting there watching telelvision and taking up my precious cardio time. rude.
the changerooms and sauna were vey eyey. i normally don't care, and don't even notice the other guys (at least i'm aware to make such things obvious as it can put people ill at ease) but one guy might as well have climbed up into people's shower stall, on sat on them in the bastu or not even bothered (enter other verb here).

grrr. i'm to be buff - sexhungry people should stay home, or at least share their schedule so others can work around it and not be checked out for the entire duration of my shower. kthxbai as the 1337 say i believe

that's my week. oh, and a dinosaur brought me something from the tarpits. nice
nice? whatever, generosity is nice, so yes nice

not to quickly read over this entry so tiredly written with les eyes fermés.


hic extraneus sum and man alive! i'm tired.

crazy going slowly am i....

switch
so much to do in so little time
though i feels like there is nothing on my to-do list
i feel like i'm being pulled from both ends
from all ends

have to measure up
do well don't forget that
nor this
do everything but nothing

my head hurt
sides hurt
insides hurt

though i push onward
needing to finish what i've started.

hic extraneus sum

reaching up from the jurassic

some things should stay in the tarpits... out of sight and damn it out of mind.
some things should stay in the past... where they hurt but can't hurt anymore
some things should stay in the unknowing.... preferred to having been told

some things should die again and not flaunt their fossils in my world.
some things... my things... should be more controlled

some things should be the stanger here
not i

sed hic extraneus sum

boy

with a coin.
iron and wine



usually any boy with do, but these guys make it work.
and the flamenco brings me back to my days in spain
this makes me the happy

hic extraneus sum

saint-valentin

aujourd'hui je célèbre être célibataire
je le célèbre seul.

joyeux saint-valentin.

bienvenue à mon monde.

hic celibatario sum

excited by you

you don't know you're doing it
but you are
again

it's exciting, arousing, ...ing
though i know nought will come of it
again

you have a way with words
with hands with eyes with body
and it's just who you are

this too shall pass
again
but it's fun to feel something
at least

hic extraneus sum

ma vie de plus en plus occupée

je ne suis pas encore certain de si j'aime l'occupécité, mais elle est néanmoins là. someil, tu me manques...

il ne me reste que dix semaines d'assurance de cacher derrière le status d'étudiant. je serai très bientôt interprète. déjà trois ans, comme le temps vole !

sous peu j'aurai besoin de garder et gérer un horaire des rendez-vous, des sessions de travail et du temps "administratif" pour ne pas me perdre dans le paperwork... câlin mais ça va me faire chier ! hélas, c'est bel et bien ce que je veux...

j'arrive !

hic extraneus sum

breathe

thought i died today
but i didn't

life goes on

hic extraneus
sum

a good end to a bad start

woke up late. ran around. waite for the streetcar
boo town

got a coffee. it was good. worked.
good thing i like language
...and the cute venezuelan, sí me gusta.

the mormorning sucked
but then the notsomorning was better
then i left

had a meeting
gave out thousands and
thousands and
thousands of dollars
i'm that nice

went to holly's and chilled
watched her sic her minpin
on an unsuspecting guest
funniness ensued

went to a thing
had fun at said thing
and then came home

all of this feeling good about the fact that dinosaurs are no more
just bones underground, almost forgotten
soon to be
smile ahhhhh

i may be a stranger here, but one with closure at least

vibroutgoinant

met up with dinosaur today
for lunch

because i like to do this to myself that's why

we've been friends/friendly since i [read not i]
was ready [read not ready]
to paint pictures [read date]

whatever

dinosaur is leaving soon, as previous entries read
and i wanted to balls up and ask the wtf questions
i had been feeling rather amazing [read undatable]
since the yuletide

after vague commentary and "you're so nice" (dur, i know)
these character flaws came to light:

not vibrant enough
not outgoing

quoi le fuck?

me, of all people
i am not these things?
thanks for getting to know me over the course
of me falling for you
anyone
anyone out there care to chime in?
am i either of these things?
really?

dinosaurs went extinct a long long time ago
for a reason
time to re-extinctify this one

reason is that
over am i

[and not sober as i type. bonus. thanks baker]


glad it's a monday... means four more days of happy....

hic vibrans sum

un día mejor

ayer me quedé en cama hasta el mediodia... que me faltaba sueño... cuando por fin me desperté, decidí ir al gimnasio, grrr, pero no hubo toallas... necesito una toalla. entonces, me fui.

caminé por las calles un rato -- sentía un poco culpable por no haber ido al gimnasio -- pues fui al neuvo piso de tjaad y le ajudé pintar las paredes (colores muy ricas)

después, anoche salí con un nuev'amigo que conocí a una cena hace un par de días. (ya escribí de ésta en que mencioncé el dinosaurio). pasé un buen tiempo con él, y me estoy diciendo que era sólo un buen tiempo y que no tengo que pensar demasiado en ello..... buenos tiempos...

el dino sigue en mi mente, pero no está en mi ciudad, pues siento [un poco] mejor. ya siento que el día hoy será mejor que los que me frakaron recientmente
hic estraneus sum

moment of wtf

a friend tol.d me some fucking crazy sh.it tonight and i don't even know how to really handle it
they're okay about it [read numb to it all] and didn't know what to say. no word.s
that's what i said. " i don't k.now what to say."

how do. you move for.ward when you know th.ere's a chance your friend will not be there
that they'.ve been going through pain, terror, dareisay abuse.
fuc.k

i don't e.ven know what to write he.re
just tell me it'll a.ll be okay
and that li.fe has a way of making thing.s right in the en.d

hic extraneus sum

so pas cool

ce soir ch'allé à un repas bon-voyage d'un ami/dinosaur qui s'en va d'ici pour là. j'ai déjà écrit d
lui, mais ce soir j'ai troooop à écrire, pourtant chu xtrèmement fâché contre lui q jveux l'frapper dans l'face!

so, plus q'une personne m'a dit que mon dinosaur a "fait le tour" de la table... et là je'm pensais spécial. apparament j'n'était henq'un autre nom pour sa liste.... (oui, jsais que ce q'on me disait n'est que les mots de qqs personnes que j'n'connais pas, mais chu fâché de toutes façons...)

eeeet, un des amis de dinosaur m'a conduit chez moi - yaay - et qnd j'lui ai dit que j'ai sorti avec dino, il m'a dit qu'il n'en savait rien. RIEN! et bon, alors ce dino qui m'a fait resentir tant de choses, n'a rien resenti de moi. j'n'ai eu ni le moindre impacte sur lui - so much qu'il n'a rien dit à ses amis de moi. chu pas égocentrique, sinon jpense/pensais/pense encore q yavait qqch entre nous deux..... FUCK!


respire.....

et maintenant l'ami m'a demandé de sortir avec lui ce wknd.
mais chu trjs hung up sur dino. quoi faire.
je hais qnd la vie me fuck.
fuck.

hic extraneus sum

good times with the family

it's always refreshing to spend [just enough] time with your family to remind you of how much you enjoy their company - as siblings, parents, and as friends.

even the car ride down with sister was great times. she's soon moving in with me (scary but fun). hours of sitting next to each other, with bag-fulls of face-stuffing sweets, sours, crunchies, crisps and the like, and music backdropping the passing cars made for a mobile dance party and vent session. she's one of the best sounding boards (and users of me-as-a-sounding-board); we can and do talk about almost everything (nothing pants-y though, that's TMI) :: and the trip back was just as fun. a great way to bookend the weekend.

the "books" of the weekend were good too: visiting with the rents, and staying at theirs all three days. normally i walk in the door and turn around again to call on old friends. but this time it was all us, all the time. and well worth it! plus i got to make tastastic foods for meals.

i am love cook.

other sister's had a birthday, as did her third, so it was a trip of happies. good to spend time with allll of them (big family has she).

even fit in a trip to the gym there with the brothinlaw. grrr buff.

now back chez moi. enjoying my "weekend" of monday. sleeping in. mmm.
but work awaits me to get done today. away i go
i go

hic extraneus sum