que je sois comme toi

t es mots m'inspirent.
t u trouves réconfort en exprimant tes frustrations et tes passions
t es cicatrices
t es balafres et
t es deuils.
t on émotion est preuve de ta vérité (parfois brutale)
t 'écris comme un poète/un chanteur/un écivain de grand succès

t u as des qualités dont je suis jaloux

que je sois comme t oi

hic extraneus sum

a goud dae

todae i went end lernt a lott from peeple and had a chanse to werk myself.
i feel goud aboot it.
it's a goed dae.

hic extraneus sum

the alone effect

have you ever the nights when you stay at home
there's low music playing the ckground and you feel at ease
but for some reason it's not an easy ease

you're alone - and it feels like the entire world knows
that you're alone

tonight is a night where i'm alone
i sit typing, avoiding words from words
moving from table to couch to floor
torn unsure

i know what needs to be done
i feel what wants to be done
i wonder what may be done
i wish for what has yet to be done
alone

and the world knows it

for this i can't throw blame
like game
i am an allstar this i know
you know (he knows)

but for this i can't throw blame
this is me
sad alone
the music plays on bringing me down
but i can't stop it

i like the tune the melody
the lyrics they're fun
they're uplifting
i'm not
ironic

and here i write and write and vent and go
and wonder if you wonder
why
what's his deal
his problem

it's just me
another side
facet
face it
i'm me

and tonight i'm alone
at home
typing and thinking
singing and squirming
writing out what must read
like a stream of consciousness

there it is
i stop

hic solo sum nocturn

FML

i do languages
not numbers

numbers are found in budgets
i don't do budgets

dentist is a word
i do dental

payments has numbers
i don't do numbers
but still i pay

split five ways
i hate being po

taking donations. hic extraneus sum

mi diente...

ayer por la tarde mi diente empezó a dolerme. se siente como si le falta algo - de vero es como si he desalojado un empaste. que pena. anoche a las 11 me puse a buscar oficinas de dentista que están abiertas el sábado. encontré una y llamé. dejé un mensaje pidiendo que me llamara para fijar una cita. esta mañana me ha llamado - hay una cita a la 11. ¡sí!

ya voy yendo a llegar tiempo... suerte!

hic extradentis sum

denken an ihm...

can' t help it.

working away at something somewhat unrelated to him, but in the end still is. why i chose this life that will for-ever be intertwined with his in some shape, way or form.

can't concentrate. i fb time away. look at his page. he doesn't know. does he? that'd be weird.

i post here. another way to pass the time. less reading and more nothingdoing. grrr. worse still is that the reading i should be doing is actually interesting. frak him. taking me away from something that is good for me and good for me! how dare he creep into my head like this.

i need a drink. where's my keg?

hic extraneus sum

i wish i were a musician

strumming away at the gui-tar
chording and chorusing
writing songs that others would like
that stick in your head - earworms

i wish i were a musician
and wear skinny jeans and v-neck t-shirts
and plaid - something plaid
and a hat

i wish i were a musician
and everyone would want to know me
and think me a poet
and want to be my muse
fcuk me love me hate me adore me

i wish i were a musician
and play gigs and have fans
who'd sing my songs
and love when i played covers
and i would rock 'em

i wish i were a musician
all hip, cool, mod, trendy, indy, awesome
with my own myspace page
and itunes
more than three chords per song

i wish i were a musician
then the words i would write wouldn't just be for me

but i'm not a musician
i own a gui-tar
i know chords
i sing
i am

i'm glad i'm not a musician though
i would only wish i were something else...

hic extraneus sum

when i were/where i were

with a dog-sat dog with me in the back seat, my mind started to drift and wend round the recesses of my brain. i had forgotten so much.

and now remember.

i couldn't help wonder what events have brought me to where i am now

and to imagine what other events might have led me to a different place. where i were...

(i do love the subjective/conjuctive...)

going back to my early days--before i ever knew about interpreting, or about linguistics, or about anything past my smalltown ontario, i dreamt of being high. hold on - i mean flying high. in cockpits (another of those words that sound dirrty but aren't). i loved the image of pilotes in their uniforms walking through terminals and flying jet planes... clearly my love of a man in uniform has long roots.

about the time i started heading to the big(gish) city for hs i let my thoughts of piloting and planes change to thought of pilotes and milehighclubs... and, i started thinking more about my life after being young. georgraphy had always had a hold on me (i still draw maps and try to memorise random facts... once learning all the mexican states for fun on bet from friends. they had to pay up.) with teachers for parents, the thought of becoming a geo teacher wasn't too farfetch'd. oh, and of course my hs geo prof was gorgeous. first pilotes, then salt-and-pepper franco-ontarians... oh les souvernirs. right, well i realised that my parents were teachers and i weren't. i turned to anthro and archaeology. i loved the idea of discoring old civilisations and peoples and learning about their cultures, and languages. my friends even thought i would become an archaeologist - so much so that the valedictorian mentioned it in her speech! small school...

twasn't until my last year that i found a programme at uni that [i thought] fit the bill. this, however, was mislabelled and it was not a flattering fit. i don't like politics. needless to say, i changed. a few times. finally finding language.

i've since held my own in a number of posts, utilising the skills acquired and knowledge learnt - but always looking for a way to fit words in or something philological...

inthenedly i am here. months away from dropping the student from my signature and step out as a tru-biz interpreter. here's hoping my what-if-futures will help me later on. who knows: i may find myself in a cockpit, or before a map or globe, or at a dig site...

where i were... where i am.

i can't help but wonder what it was along the way, or what things were along the way that affected me such that i changed my path. sure, self-discovery is one thing, but were there people who inspired me? frightened me? taught me? showed me? why did i give up on one dream for another? is it fair to say that i gave up on them, or that they simply changed/morphed/became another? or are they really all part of the same dream? where would i be if.... if...

who would i see looking back at me

in the looking glass of me?

hic extraneus sum

joy!

was so happy yesterday, all i wanted to so was....




hic gaudius sum

jann - the singer of my soul

how can music reach so far in and feel so much?



she's the one person i would stop my world to meet.
and cry the whole time.

she is a muse; a master; a more-than-words-can-be; a me


hic extraneus sum

crying on the inside

i never knew that if you hold them back long enough, tears run down on the inside. you don't see them. you don't feel them - on your face. it's when they hit your chest, your lungs, your heart that the salty sting cripples you.

pushing them back again and again can't be good for the ducts. inverse, reverse, inward dripping. to weap like this rehydrates? or dehydrates? shedding tears extracts salt. hiding my tears from you dries me out from the inside out. how dare you...

i have nothing to give up. you need to figure things out. and try not to do it whetted. change of plans - you planned. i know how to read, read time, read you. at least i did. i wonder if like a page in a book my face shows where the tears stain, from the inside out.

i don't like firery hard-to-read signs that lead me nowhere. i don't like the uncertainty of how to express what is inside. you should know better.

i need to pour water over my face. hide the tracemarks of unshed tears. you cut me deep. i push deeper. you mustn't know... do you know?

i half want you to see me break down and drown in this pool :: i half want you to never see me again.


hic extraneus sum