good friday :: great saturday :: going gone sunday

this weekend was pretty much an arc of goodtimes, rising on friday from a boo-ass afternoon (the morning doesn't count because hot eyes met mine as i got coffee...hmmm) and led up to an okay evening with meetings and conversation, to a fun night of chatting, joking and crowdmingling.

saturday was the apex of the weekend, with an all-day thing--can i really become what i want? do i want to become it?--and that led to a good afternoon chez moi, and turned into a fabolosomous night out with friends (so soy good wontons and no-shirt sweaters make for fun times.) i love hitting up the wroom on a saturday -- saturday nightnight/sunday morning was stumbling farther away from home, txting a friend to crash, and seeing a certain someone who i should never see in the state in which i found myself. too easily doth things fall off my fingertips.

sunday--real sunday--was sleepinginy and nice. brunch was mmmgood, and stretched into the afternoon. evening was spent chez moi, trying to figure out how to work video cameras (no dirrty thoughts, it's for prof things.)

now off to bed, ready to don'twanto face the workweek.

frak! tomorrow is june!


hic extraneus sum

i don't want this

this is always the same.
this has always been the same.

sure, ever.y once in a while something starts. a spark. but never does it catch; never is there flame.

repetition is only good in verse. and even then it can get, well, repetitive. overused. boring.
i don't want this.

i want that.
that, that i don't know. that i haven't known...at least not fully, nor in reciprocity.
i want that.
that, that will keep my happy, and not just for a flicker; for a wrinkle in time. but for eternity.

i want you.
where are you...

i want a script. someone to write out my play/my role/my character development. my drama/my interaction/my angst/my joy.

i want a love story. i want it to be true. i want it to be deep. not surface shit.
i'm tired of false starts. i'm tired of the nihil channel. what else is on.

where's that cute guy who always has the right line. the right everything.

where's my secondary character who i won't notice until the second or third season, but that everyone else knows i'm supposed to be with...

...or am i he? when will my protanogist see me?

frak.

i am an outsider here

i like to watch

from time to time i find myself with some extra time on my hands. a pastime/hobby that i’ve had for some time now is i watch international/foreign/not-north american television shows online (usually just on th.e youtube, eh) more specifically, i watch the gay storylines of european teen angst soap operas (hollyoaks – great britain, andra avenyn – sweden, alles was zälht – germany, to name a few)

these storylines always pull me in...and i stay up much too late watching the next episode, or i take too long of a break a the office...

the worst part, though, is that i hate that i love these shows. i mean, other than there being good-looking actors in never-would-happen-in-real-life scenarios, i'm reminded of my singledom. it's almost like schadenfreude, but on myself.

still, i love the shows. i could argue that i like them because they're not in english (save the english ones, dur). i wonder if it has to do with me never being an out teen/young adult. when i came out, i passed the stage when all that angst should [societally determined] have come and gone. alas, all that was held within...

oh woe is me...

...oh woe is i

so, those be my thoughts at this tide.
any readers out there, i hope your day isn't as sodden as my city's day is... all day.

hic extraneus...well you know

puck

if we shadows have offended,

think but this, and all is mended,

that you have but slumber'd here

while these visions did appear.

and this weak and idle theme,

no more yielding but a dream,

gentles, do not reprehend:

if you pardon, we will mend:

and, as I am an honest puck,

if we have unearned luck

now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,

we will make amends ere long;

else the puck a liar call;

so, good night unto you all.

give me your hands, if we be friends,

and robin shall restore amends

my favourite...

(and bonus - the pic is puck from gargoyles.

what a great show. i'm not a geek.)

hic extraneus sum

were the world mine...

ververver excited.



grin

hic extraneus sum

adhre tae

aan tae fortre fro te begennighe;
aan tae narre to te edhe



frémdhmaan her

un moment de bonheur...étouffé

pourquoi est-il que chaque fois cha.que foi.s que quelque chose commence, s’allume...que mon cœur commence à se dégeler...la petite flamme, miniscule qu’elle soit, se fait étouffée pour la réalité cruelle

ne connaîtrai’je jamais le bonheur des bras d’un autre?
suis-je maudit à vivre une vie sol.i.taire ?

la vie est cruelle. seulement les choisis connaissent le bonheur. seulement eux se tiennent se touchent s’aiment.

que les choisis


je n'en suis pas un...

je suis étouffé

hic extraneus sum

finally you asked...

... if we’re past this
i miss
my words and feign aye
i lie
that long ago it was done
i run
away from thoughts of you
i do
not know what more to write.
i bite
my lips until they bleed
i need
to feel something that’s alive
i survive
on memories of before
i still adore
your face and your touch
i crutch
on things that exist but in dream
i scream
so loud that i hurt
i’m curt
with my answer for fear that you know
i go
ahead to be a friend
i bend
my head around the thought of nevermore
i implore
my heart to move on and forget
i wet
my face with tears over you
fuck you

i truly am a stranger here. lost.
hic extraneus sum.

ma mémoire sale

celle-ce me fait pleurer quasiment à chaque fois...
du film les chansons d'amour...



lave
ma mémoire sale dans son fleuve de boue
du bout de ta langue nettoie-moi partout
et ne laisse pas la moindre trace
de tout ce qui me lie et qui me lasse
hélas ..

chasse
traque-la en moi, ce n'est qu'en moi qu'elle vit
et lorsque tu la tiendras au bout de ton fusil
n'écoute pas si elle t'implore
tu sais qu'elle doit mourir d'une deuxième mort
alors tue-la encore

pleure
je l'ai fait avant toi et ça ne sert à rien
à quoi bon les sanglots, inonder les coussins
j'ai essayé, j'ai essayé
mais j'ai le coeur sec et les yeux gonflés
mais j'ai le coeur sec et les yeux gonflés
alors...

brûle
brûle quand tu t'enlises dans mon grand lit de glace
mon lit comme une banquise qui fond quand tu m'enlaces
plus rien n'est triste, plus rien n'est grave
si j'ai ton corps comme un torrent de Lave
ma memoire sale dans un fleuve de boue

really ?

really.... effin' eh

from today's paper:

sagittarius
where some people nurture grudges for years, you are lucky if you can remember after a week why you were never going to speak to someone again. and right now the stars insist that there's no better time to forget what you hate to remember.

grrr.




hic extraneus sum

la fin du monde

on l'a dit. il n'y a plus rien entre nous.
ça y est.

malaisé ton mot
bavardant de l'autre
ce ne l'est.

si, ce l'est...

pourtant
pour sauver ce qui reste
le peu
je te le dis
oui

"ce ne l'est."

et donc, avec ces mots.
la fin du monde.
vois-tu mon façade?

t'ai-je convaincu?
t'ai-je eu?

voilà il faut que je stoppe.
que j'arrête
je veux te voir. plutôt content que torpide.


donc
j'arrrête. je prends fin.

je ne peux plus penser à toi.
je ne peux exister comme ça pour moi.


adieu mon beau.
adieu.


hic extraneus sum

thoughts of you

these are the beads that would be counted.
these are the grains that in the hourglass would fall.
these are the snowflakes that would kiss a child’s nose.
these are the dew on the morning grass.

these were the wrinkles around my laughter.
these were the tears from my blissful eyes.
these were the butterflies in my stomach.
these were the memories that kept me afloat.

these are words that could write love letters.
these are the salt that could season the food.
these are the rice that could be thrown after the alter.
these are the seeds that could bring life to the field.

these are the air that would fill my lungs
these are the arms that would keep me warm
these are the moments that would last for-ever
these are the reasons that would bring me joy.

these are happy thoughts that would be true
these are realities that would be because of you
these are dreams that would wake me with bliss

these are my reality that would be amiss.

hic extraneus sum

enough

am i?
















hic extraneus sum

et on se reprend

hier j’ai commencé mon nouveau emploi. d’un bord, je suis content de finalement avoir un travail et un paie ; mais de l’autre bord, je me trouve un peu géné d’où j’ai finalement touvé un job. dans uns de mes postes ci-bas, j’ai écrit de l’ironie frankante. vous liriez que j’ai passé une entrevue avec une agence qui se trouve dans les loins coins du monde avec mes voisins/anciens collègues... gross.

je suis tombé dans l’ambîme. j’aurais dû prendre le poste en antarctique !

pourtant...voilà sont passés deux jours déjà au bureau. je peux reporter que ce n’est pas la fin du monde. ça me semble que les personnes avec qui je travaille ont des vues variées de mon rôle. on m’a introduit pour aider avec un projet en particulier avec son administration et sa préparation. néanmoins, au moins une personne pense que je suis genre le directeur administratif du projet. je ne pouvais contrôler mes rires. je ne suis pas un expert-conseil invité pour co-ordiner la direction totale de ce projet. quoique mon expérience me qualifie bien pour être un expert-conseil avec la planification des projets, cet été n’est pas le temps pour commencé ce travail-là.

c’est drôle. au moins j'ai pu finalement trouver un source d'argent. la vie se reprend...

hic extraneus sum

in your stupor

in your stupor you lean in

soft lips on neck

i grin

in your stupor you hug tight

feelings surge rush

feels so right

in your stupor you back away

do you leave

or do you stay

in your stupor you leave me torn

regrets flood back

love lorn

in your stupor you are coy

toying with heartstrings

malin boy

in your stupor you've left me dead

empty heart remains

chaotic head

in your stupor you stupify

arms and fingers

electrify

in your stupor you beg for more

to stay perchance to dance

like [never] before

in your stupor you are still

the object of my affection

desire and will

in your stupor i fear i see

the truth so long hidden from me

a beautiful sad uncertainty

wanting to be set free

if only happy we could be

in your stupor you just do not see

hic extraneus sum

noch einmal

heut'nacht habe ich dich gesehen. schon habe ich dich gesehen seit jenem tag, und habe ich gedacht, dass alles zwischen uns gut war. aber heut'nacht warst du nicht dirselbst...oder warst du? ein bisschen hilfe erlaubte dich, dein wahre farbe um zu zeigen.

wer bist du, wirklich?

was willst du von mir?

warum läßt du mich nicht allein?

bin ich nur ein spiel für dich?

Ich hoffe, du wirst nicht hänseln mich noch mehr...

hic extraneus sum