i bet you don't even know

i get so frustrated. so angry. pyssed and fed up.
i hate you sometymes. most tymes. all the tyme.
i let you get to me and twyst and wrythe.
i see you there, in my head. agayn and agayn.
i try to tell myself that you are a fucker. that you do it all on purpose
i thynk you are playing games with me. with my head - my heart.

but...

i bet you don't even know.

i can't help but wonder if it really is all just in my head.
i worry that i'm hating you with no real reason.
i know i told you it was over. you asked - i said t'was. fuck me
i would lyke to thynk that you aren't such a jerk. an asshole.

but...

i bet you don't even know.

i hate you
i often hate you
i see you in the streets - and i hate you.
i smyle and i laugh and can't help my heart for skypping a beat
i act lyke eveythyng is perfect and that nothing is awry.

but...

i bet you don't even know.

i think i...
i fear i...

i know i should stop wryting right now.

hic extraneus sum

come and gone

that time of year again

good times: yes. long times: yes. same times: no. every year is just as much different as it is the same. this past weekend was toronto pride. the biggest celebration of gay pride in north america (and the weld?), it sure brings out everyone and all kinds. this year i decided i was going to enjoy the craziness, and not be completely busy/head-hurts/why-do-i-do-it busy organising a booth and coorinating for the parade float and volunteers, usw.

i really wanted to enjoy it with my friends... tradition had it that we would do brunch on sunday morning (at the absobest brunch place in the city) and then watch the parade from out shade-covered spot along the route. tradition has been lost on me for two years...rather three now. i was so close to finally get to mange on the best brunch...but life wouldn't let me have that.

i won't complain anymore though, about missing brunch. it wasn't due to pride-related events. rather, i was able to hone other skillz far from the rainbow-colours goings-on of downtown church street.

i did get to see loads of friends, and work amongst the crowds. saw some people dressed (word used loosely) as i never want to see again...

i'm getting tired of being tired of pride though. i'd like to enjoy it. maybe next year.

maybe not.

hic extraneus sum.

waking up at the ends of the earth...

last night [read this eerly a.m.] i found myself heavy-eyed and dazed as the beeping of the subway doors opened. i was not in my bed. i wasn't anywhere near my bed. i had gone out with a friend to catch up about his trip to florida, and then to meet with another friend to go over a gig this weekend. her other job allowed me to imbibe a lot of bru. thanks. this left me not-sober as i headed home. 1:15 in the morning, not bad. the u-bahn was still running.

i did get the subway as she and i said goodbye. once on the subway, however, i must have fallen asleep...or passed out thankyouverymuch...because the next thing i know i'm waking up at downsview station. the north-east terminus of the subway.

and, it's 2 a.m. how many times must i have gone up and down the subway line during those 45 minutes... frak.


to add to my [mis]adventure, i had no money on me, nor were there any possibilities to withdraw any in close proximity. this meant that from the station i couldn't even get a cab home. i had to wait for the 24-hour buses to take me along one street, to the next, to next, and finally walk home. got in around 2:45/3am.

awesome.

i scribbled a note to eskje reading "please wake me. rough night". i highly doubt the spelling and/or grammar was correkt.

hic extraneus sum. underslept and underfrakd.

love them :: lieb' sie

wir sind helden is one of my favourite bands. i've been listening to them for some time now - first for the german, then for the sound, and now for the pure enjoyment of their music. overall wunderbar. here's one of my favourites. it's short, but great.

keine Angst mehr



kein schmaler grad mehr
kein uten kein oen
du hättest während du schliefst
alle wolken verschoben und
all deine fragen sagten
sie bräuchten dich nicht mehr
und du könntest gehen

stell dir vor,
du hättest keine angst mehr
vor nichts und vor niemand
nie wieder allein

der wind heulte nachts nicht mehr
vor deinem fenster
im muster der wand wohnten keine gespenster
mehr, die dunklen gestalten
wärmten die kalten
hände jetzt woanders als an dir

du hättest keine angst mehr
vor nichts und vor niemand
nie wieder allein

du könntest jeden so lieben
wie diesen einen
du könntest alles verlieren
müsstest um niemanden weinen
und all deine liebe
bliebe für immer
egal, wohin die leute gehen

stell dir vor,
du hättest keine angst mehr
vor nichts und vor niemand
nie wieder allein

du hättest keine angst mehr
vor nichts und vor niemand
nie wieder allein

hier bin ich fremder

"stories hands tell"

a was taking a few minutes to read a blog that i follow--some of you will remember me mentioning the pirate king in other incarnations of my blog--and a came across an entry of his from a while back. he iswas an interpreter, which is what first caught my attention and the reason why i started following him.

his post entitled Stories Hands Tell is short, but heavy. it reminded me of what i'm getting myself into... (well, reminded me is would infer that i don't think sanscessently about destroying lives by attempting to werk. if only i could leave that thought in class or at werk or somewhere that's not always on my mind... ha i try)

My hands have held secrets that have broken lives. A conduit for congratulations, a carrier of bad news. It's the interpreter's curse and gift to bear witness to many things.

The stories these hands could tell.

his entries are funny, sad, deep, light, enjoyable. you should read. plus he's good with the drawing.

hic extraneus sum.

birthdaaygirl

todaay is my sister's birthdaay. my little sister's birthdaay. aalreaady aalmost aa quaarter c.

i'm haappy aand love her aand wish her aall the best todaay. it's gonnaa be aa fun daay for her aand the faamily aand friends, i'm sure.

saadly i caan't maake it to the fests. i'm volunteering tonight aat aa plaay (to hone my maad skills). when i told her i couldn't maake it, baarfy waas aalright with it, but maade me promise to taake her out for aa one-on-one bdaay celebration btwn the two of us.

i'll like thaat.

so, everyone haands high and loud...

HAAPPY BIRTHDAAY !

hic extraneus sum

les journées qui ne terminent jamais...

hier j'ai travaillé 12hrs... krank. arrivé au bureau à 8h30, il fallait préparer tous les trucs pour la session d'information que l'on présenterait cette soirée-là. ensuite, on m'a demandé d'aider au bureau a côté avec leurs boulot.

aussi, je devais parler avec ma superviseure de mes heures de travail (je suis temp, n'oubliez pas... je ne l'oublie ja.mais) car je ne peux travailler plus de x heures la journée... whatever, alors il fallait jongler mes heures...

so, hier soir j'ai tout préparé pour le show--of.c sans aide de personne...les offices politques... les invités sont arrivés et on a commencé la présentation. naturallement: extrème show - j'y participais dooonc un good show (head haut). pourtant, vers 20h30 il fall.ait que je m'en aille (que je m'en allasse)... what.ev.er.

finalement chez moi, je suis tombé dans le sofa ... après un paar de minutes je me suis trouvé dans mon lit. mmm.

un txt d'un ami m'a réveillé (et frustré - l'ami en question est un certain ami dont j'écris de temps en temps et rarement pour de bonnes raisons... grrr)

et voilà au bureau de nouveau. la vie la vie.

hic extraneus sum

qwf - musikbands and then some

went out last night with baker to a queer west fest event. three bands played good, loud music till today became yesterday and tomorrow became today. all three were interesting bands, with good sound. the second had a trombone. sweet trombone. the tomboner even strummed the guitar with his brass. brasstrum

good convo had too, with [most likely] too much storytelling on my part--being mysterious and quiet doesn't work when one can't keep their tales to themselves. meh, i bartered with baker mine for his. learnt some new things too (apparently frat night is mondays in west hogtown. good to know.)

i hadn't been to that venue since, i think...2006/7 maybe when lola was in town from out of town and we met up downtown. good texmex. i never knew it was till that night. last night, though was not so much texmex as it was beer. good beer. i'll go back.

that was my night. i was up this am too early, but with reason (work...whatevs).
this is now my morning.
and almost afternoon.

long day/evening at the bureau today... nicht gut.

hic extraneus sum

weekend: from good to bad

friday started with the end of my workweek...finally... a bad week that worsened from mon to fri. meeting up with a friend from drinks was a great idea (thanks daam). also, i bought a few gay cinema movies to add to my col.l and enjoy soon. plus, i bought the entire series of firefly. i've never seen it, but i like joss and space and sci-fi/fantasy somewhat... oh, and i bought some DVDRs or whatever they're called-the ones you can burn files onto from the comp and then watch on the DVD (had to film a skill sample for a busary). success, i am not completely computilliterate.

drinks were finally had, along with good farfalle and moules. mmm. jokes were made and laughs shared. good times. around 9 o'clock i said the goodbye and made my way over to another friends for more drinks and laughs et cetera. three of us complained about life, chatted about how the world should be and why it wasn't. then we headed over to the wreck room (good times) for a while where a few other of my friends were already dancing it up.

although we didn't close the bar, we did leave somewhat late, and i decided to take the bus instead of a cab (i'm poor again, remember). my buddy walked and waited with me for just about an hour for the 24-hr bus to finally pull up. got in chez moi around 4 a.m.. good times

saturday was a good day too. a nice sleep in, then hung out with with roomie eksje for a few hours. she had a soirée planned, so we went back home, and i veg'd for a bit. i had somewhat made plans with a friend to meet up that night...and took the 20/30 minutes to get downtown to meet him... only to be stood up. (note: this is where the weekend goes from good to bad). luckily i had run into a friend on the subway on my way down, and he was nice enough to wait with me... and to then [take pity on me and] invite me out with him and his group to the karaoke bar... no, i don't sing.

after midnight--so over an hour or so from the agreed-upon time, the initial friend whom i was to meet up with txted: "oops! you still there?" yeah, because i'm going to wait for you for two hours in a freaking coffeeshop. clearly you think i have no life. thanks. no i'm not effin' still there. grrr.

sunday was an alright start. i got to practise my kraft a bit before rushing to a meeting--where nought was discussed related to the topic at hand; rather we dished and gossiped about each other's love life. during all of this, txts were going back and forth between me and a certain someone (about whom i've blogged on numberous occasion) to meet up. their request.

okay, fine. let's meet up. i can to the masking thing and act as though i don't care. i mean, i don't. whatevs. fuck. now, need to kill time. saw the hangover with a friend (good movie. i laughed). and then made my way to meet the txter. literally as i was txting "i'm here", i get one from them "emergency thing came up. can't meet". (note: this is where the weekend goes from bad to hellaworse). cancelled on twice in two days. nice.

this blogger feels uber spec.

i wander back home in a hffmp and put in one of the gay cinema movies i bought. potential was there, but the cinematography was ass (and not in a good gay cinema way). did chat with tjaad though, which was good -- for both of us.

slept.
awoke this am.
got to work. and was given headache enducing data to read through.

yum.. a perfekt monday start...

good thing i always see half-full. yup. that's me. optimististician.

i eat sarcasm for breakfast.

hic extraneus sum.

vrydag

...mmm. lekker vrydag. vandag is 'n goeie dag. en môre...

oh môre...

saterdag.... mmm die naweek...

mmm

hic extraneus sum

clubsandwichsex morningnoonight

my day was clubsandwiched with sexx today. first with a wonderful dream from which i woke that involved certain people from my past, and from my present – details not required in this post for i will see some of you readers eventually – and made for a good start to the day.

then, the second slice came around two o’clock, after a brisk walk out in the elements with thoughts of morning dreams put a bounce in my step… but when i got back to my desk, my normally black computer screen with log-in window were replaced with pop-up after pop-up of lovely [read cockiller] lady porn…and not just girls in bikinis. these were membershipandpasswordwebsite worthy pics flashingly splashed across my computer screen. great. working were i work, i could sooner kill a man and not be fired then to have porn on my computer.

wunderbares nachmittags. i the whole tell-the-high-ups and clear my name, then had the tech guys destroy the spyware, viruses, junk, et cetera. he was funny at least. and appreciated my jokes about how i would be the one with straight pics on my screen. my life is l’ironie vivante.

after this amazing paranoid afternoon of half-worrying that I’d be out of a job and yet again destitute, i left that greyplace and met up with friends for drinks. well.de.serv.ed drinks. they were late, leaving me to stand around looking like that guy who stands around bars…whatever, I know what I mean by that…until they showed up. It’s always fun to see how the servers approach us and hesitate to speak or to gesture (we weren’t doing the spoken communication thing). anyway, only a hour stint there, i raced across town to meet up with another friend…for more drinks… I was late. was called boy. laughed. and proceeded to imbibe a few more rounds of the beer. chatting and good times are always had with him, so the crappy afternoon turned into a good night.

the [popped] cherry on top of it all was that guy took me to meet up with a few other friends for a “show” – this is the last slice of the sexxxclubsandwichnight. live on stage were …let’s say performance artists…enjoying their act. enjoying it muchly. oh, the city i live in. i can’t remember a time when seeing two dudes do it on stage did phase me… equally entertaining was watching the people watch the show. la condition humaine: human nature at its most primal.

s morning
e noon
x night

overall, a great start…crappy middle…and good times end to my day.

hic extraneus sum

today is the first day of the rest of my life

the day is almost over. another day closer to tomorrow - did you know it's the first day of the rest of my life?

pretty sweet. i know.

but, if that old saw rings true, and that "today is the first day of the rest of my life", what ended yesterday? should i be mourning? happy? upset that something is done forever? was that part of my life too? no? which part then? i mean, the rest didn't start till today/tomorrow morning. so, what was everything up until then?

i like riddles, but this is just plain frustrating.

and, if tomorrow morning the rest of my life starts, can i go anything i want now? i'm already pretending my coffee is not so much a doubledouble but a marlboro... hmmm


well, whatever today has been, it's been slow. humid, stuffy, and slow. here's to this evening's start of the rest of ...well whatever. i'll drink to that when i get there.


hic extraneus sum

aftertext

walking down the street home having left the bar, after having saying good bye to my friends, telling them good times and hope to see you soon; i for whatever reason felt the need to text them to tell them "good times and hope to see you soon" again.

yup, again. as if they hadn't gotten the message the first time. to be sure, i used the good ol' [read new] sure-way means of delivering a message - the aftertext.

aftertext: n. neologism.
A short message service (SMS) allowing the interchange of a short text message
that repeats a previously stated phase for emphasis, reiteration, or drunken
txting.

do they need to know the same information twice? really? have i become such an MMIer that i can't go two minutes without texting the people i just saw? wtf.

i get that sometimes an aftertext can be used for intimite or private dialogue between two people within a larger group to avoid the peering eyes and ears of the others. but, unless the aftertext has actualy content and not just a restating/typing of the last sentence uttered, wassa'point?

i need to turn off my phone for a good while; remember life before the sms, before the thumbing, before people spelling night as nite and probably as prolly...

hic extraneus sum

sms: hic extraneus sum

how do you do it

still, 

after all this time

three words

and not those of yore

still,

you leave me 

i don't know what to say

how to reply

you freeze me

still,

all is quiet

yet you're thunder

and i am rain

still,

you hold power over

how i [think i] feel

and pull the reigns

still,

still.

hic extraneus sum

unsicherheit

ich hasse nicht wissen, was ich tun soll...
was ich fühlen soll...
wie ich fühlen soll...


warum kann ich nicht in einem film leben?...


grrr


hic extraneus sum

junefriday

already friday: excited. already june: can't believe it. lethargy and sloth have been the themes of my days, while overactivity and triplebooking have been those of my nights. where's the happy medium?

last night was FJC -- can't remember if i've written about FJC yet -- and we all enjoyed ourselves. my "adorkable" status as a language nerd was again poked fun at...all in good fun. whateve, so i actually do say things like tomes and whilst and for whom ... i'm not really that prescriptive though; i like a few desciptive things too.. im'a include 'em in my blogs just now.


off to the bonegrind.

hic extranus you know the rest

solo quattro ore

la scorsa notte ho dormito solo quattro ore; questa matina sono molto stanco e voglio tornare a casa e al mio letto... ieri sono andato a visitar amici e chiacchierare con loro. buon tempo. quando sono tornato a casa già era molto tarde ... sono caduto nel letto e mi sono svegliato quattro ore più tardi.

...mentre scrivo... i miei occhi sono pesanti e mi addormento


ahh..... presto c'è pausa.


sogno...


hic extraneus dormiēns sum

anderer tag voller nichts

am dieses morgen, als ich im büro angekommen bin, die tür war verschlossen. normalerweise ist meine bürokollege schon angekommen; aber heute war sie nicht da. wunderbar. also, bin ich spazierengegagen….

schließich ist sie angekommen und sind wir ins büro gegangen. sitzt am schreibtisch, der tag fing an…

wie gestern und vorgestern, ich vordenke, dass es keine arbeit heute gibt.

es gibt nur so viel internetscheiße...

zumindest hat gestern abend spaß gemacht. ich bin ins restaurant um einige freunde treffen gegangan, dann sind wir zur generalprobe gegangan. ich war ein bisschen nervös, aber die menschen dort waren sehr beruhigend. jetzt gibt's nur fünf tage... hals- und beinbruch!

hic extraneus sum